Born to Blossom, Bloom to Perish

Motherhood.

Sometimes I just hold my baby and cry. Not like a sobbing cry just tears flowing. Do I know the reason why? No. I’m sure it has to do with the ‘baby blues’ and/or the fact I’ve battled depression for 6 years.
It just ended on January 31st 2011. It honestly just ended. No 2 week notice per say. It’s just over. Pregnancy is over. I’m over the moon and this is what I wanted but I never thought it would be this hard. Emotionally and physically. Being exhausted, not getting enough sleep is making my emotions much more magnified.
I don’t know where to begin to even process everything I went through from 04:30pm on Sunday January 30th, 2011 to 01:38am Monday January 31st, 2011. From having my water broken to the epidural to pushing for 30 minutes. Someone said the second that baby comes out your hormones rush over you. I felt that rush. It was like a flash before my eyes. It’s very hard to explain. I wish I could explain it because I think that might help me. I thought I was going to cry when he came out but I didn’t. I think I was too exhausted to cry. I just wanted to hold him.
I thought my whole life changed June 2nd, 2010 when I found out I was pregnant, but my whole life changed January 31st, 2011. It’s the biggest responsibility that could ever be placed on someone. I’m the legal guardian of this child for 18 years but more importantly I’m his mother for life. He’s going to count on me for anything and everything. I’m going to be his rock and anchor until he can be that to someone else. I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t measure up to what I’m supposed to be. I’m scared of it all but I know if God didn’t want this he wouldn’t be here. My life wouldn’t revolve around him now. It’s extremely scary and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. But I know I have to. This is not an option.

I love you Madden. I am trying to be everything you need and more. Bear with me, we’re both learning this together.